I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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