it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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