On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
