peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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