It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
