I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
