If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
