what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
