I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
