what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
