I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
