im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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