someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
