Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
