Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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