hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Drake has all the answers
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
