i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
