I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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