Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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