that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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