So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
