Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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