remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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