ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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