Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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