just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
