If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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