you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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