needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
