How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
