My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
