Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
