I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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