so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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