1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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