# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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