My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
