There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
