he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
