She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
