my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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