Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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