Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
