So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
