Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
