just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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