Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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