listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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