I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
where am i from again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
