Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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